This was posted on Hibs.net forum earlier today and it is so good it deserves repeating...
Scene:
Duff and Phelps Insolvency Practice
Cast:
Paul Clark of Duff and Phelps played by Michael Palin
Irate Customer played by John Cleese
The sketch:
An irate customer enters the insolvency practise
Irate customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Clark does not respond.)
Irate customer: 'Ello, Miss?
Clark: What do you mean "miss"?
Irate customer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Clark: We're closin' for lunch.
Irate customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this football club what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very insolvency practice.
Clark: Oh yes, the, uh, the Bigotted Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Irate customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'it's bust, that's what's wrong with it!
Clark: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's debt free.
Irate customer: Look, matey, I know a bankrupt club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
(Irate customer brandishes portfolio of bank statements and documents)
Irate customer: As soon as a took the club home some guy in a bowler hat from HMRC demanded £70 million. Then some ticket tout said he was looking for most of our ticket money for the next four years. Finally some spiv came around saying he was the real owner of the club.
Clark: No no it's not bust, it's recovering'! Remarkable club, the Bigotted Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful away strip!
Irate customer: The away strip don't enter into it. It's totally insolvent.
Clark: Nononono, no, no! it's emerging from administration!
Irate customer: All right then, if it's recovering', I'll check it's bank balance! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Broxi Bear! I've got a lovely cash injection for you if you show any sign of life...
(Clark hits the nudges the portfolio)
Owner: There, it moved!
Irate customer: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the portfolio!
Clark: I never!!
Irate customer: Yes, you did!
Clark: I never, never did anything...
Irate customer: (yelling and hitting the portfolio repeatedly) 'ELLO BROXI!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your financial health checkl!
(Takes bank statement out of the portfolio and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it fall to the floor and bounce up and down.)
Irate customer: Now that's what I call an insolvent club.
Clark: No, no.....No, it's got a short-term cash flow problem!
Irate customer: A short-term cash flow problem?!?
Clark: Yeah! You spent all the bank balance by payin' the wage bill, just as it was moving into profitability! Bigotted Blues run of of cash easily, major.
Irate customer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That club is definitely bust, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of cash was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged title celebration party.
Clark: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Boyne.
Irate customer: PININ' for the BOYNE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why was the bank account empty the moment I got 'im home?
Clark: The Bigotted Blue prefers running with limited financial reserves! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely home strip!
Irate customent: Look, I took the liberty of examining the clubs' books when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was still in the League was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Clark: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have been out of the SPL, and legged in to the English Premier League and the Champions' League Group stages. VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Irate customer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'it's bleedin' demised!
Clark: No no! 'it's recovering!
Irate customer: 'it's not recovering'! 'it's passed on! This club is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It's expired and gone to meet its maker! 'it's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the SPL 'it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'it's off the twig! 'it's kicked the bucket, 'it's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CLUB!! If you hadn't cooked the books it would be in oblivion with Third Lanark, Aidrieonians and Gretna.
(pause)
Clark: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Blues.
Irate customent: I see. I see, I get the picture. Have you not got any Paranoid Greens?
Clark: No we've got no Greens at the moment.
(pause)
We're expecting a Manky Maroon in any day now
Irate customer: Pray, does it win things?
Clark: Nnnnot really.
Irate customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
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