The A-Z of Corbsplaining

Labour Uncut has a rather wonderful and humourous A-Z that probably reveals just a little too much of the internal machinations of Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Party.  It's just too good not to share.

My personal favourite is:

Burnhamite – A malleable substance that can bend and merge to form any shape required of it before ultimately imploding.

Exclusive: Ed Miliband reveals new supporters at last minute rally

Rock legends Spinal Tap come out as Miliband supporters.  Exclusive footage here:

97% eclipse as seen from Scotland

Exclusive: leaked footage of George Osborne's budget speech rehearsal

Chancellor George Osborne made much of choices in his budget speech this afternoon.  In one short passge he used the phrase 'we choose' nine times.

But winging it's way to LOWA towers was this leaked footage of his private rehearsals.  As you can see some of his language was quite fruity then...

Is German supermarket Lidl attacking Moscow with Vodka?

You might think so if this 'exclusive' brand is anything to go by:

Viz: It's curtains for Al Qaida

Viz (even though it's not as good as it used to be) has today produced this marvelllous piece of satire:

Jihadi terrorist estate agent headline of the day

The Surrey Herald reports: 

Jihadi terrorists force Staines estate agent name change

To distance itself from the Jihadist terrorist group, an award-winning estate agents in Staines will change its name from iSiS to Oasis

Jesus found in Kingston pub

I took this photo in the toilet of the best pub in Kingston this evening...

Exclusive: leaked fly-on-the-wall footage of Clegg's campaign team

Actually it's a sculpture in Berlin by Isaac Cordal called Electoral Campaign.

Friday favourite 136

I stumbled across this the other day.  It shouldn't be funny but somehow it is...

Margot Leadbitter is alive and well...

...and still living in Surbiton. And the irony is she's now called Goode!

Most 'middle class' petition ever.

With thanks to the Kingston Guardian.

CSI pumpkin?

Seen in a north Kingston street earlier this evening...

Sheep sacrifice quote of the day

Commenting in advance of tonight's Champion's League match at Parkhead, Shakhter Karagandy's manager, Viktor Kumykov, suggested they may again sacrifice a sheep before kick off saying:

"As far as we know in Scotland the agriculture is very developed so it shouldn’t be an issue to find a sheep."
 

Local pub chemical warfare story of the day...

Featuring the wonderfully named Leg of Mutton and Cauliflower in Ashtead.

Is this the most ludicrous regulation ever?

Early this year as part of its 'Red Tape Challenge' the government consulted on whether it should keep, amend or abolish the Code of Practice on Noise from Ice-Cream Van Chimes Etc. 1982 (And I am not joking).

The code restricts the volume, timing and length of operation of ice-cream van chimes and was introduced by that paragon of laisse faire - the Thatcher government. 

A grand total of 57 people and organisations responded - with just over a quarter coming from the noise abatement society and environmental health, who needless to say, were dead against repeal.

So it wasn't surprising the men from the ministry conclude:

"Some relaxation of the Code will give mobile vendors more flexibility when chiming to advertise their business - thereby satisfying one of the aims of the Red Tape Challenge – whilst still providing a framework for good practice and minimising the risk of disturbance."

One can only conclude by wondering whether there is any point to the 'Red Tape Challenge' if this is the nonsense they come out with?

And more importantly what would Eric Morecambe make of it?

Nigel Farage and UKIPs first parliamentary by-election?

Some rare footage from the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election from 17 September 1987 with the late great Vincent Hanna.

Are Scottish Tories falling further behind in panda stakes?

News that Edinburgh Zoo has artificially inseminated panda Tian Tian with the aim of producing some offspring at the end of the summer, means a rewrite for the Scottish Tories/panda joke.  No more will we be able to say there are twice as many pandas in Scotland as Tory MPs...

Essex flapjack row - the Health and Safety Exec speak out

The Beeb reports an HSE spokesperson:

"We often come across half-baked decisions taken in the name of health and safety, but this one takes the biscuit.

"The real issue isn't what shape the flapjacks are, but the fact that pupils are throwing them at each other - and that's a matter of discipline, and has got nothing to do with health and safety as we know it.

"We're happy to make clear that flapjacks of all shapes and sizes continue to have our full backing."

Jim Bowen is new pope...

... with thanks to the Poke.

Hartley and Poole score for Hartlepool

Bottom of England's football League One, Hartlepool, won their first home match of the season 2-1 v Notts County with goals from James Poole and Peter Hartley.

And the game was rounded off by a quote of comedic genius from Pools (and former Hibs) manager , John Hughes who told the club website:

 "It was important to get that monkey off our back in terms of the home victory..."